Gloriously ruined.

I really don't know how to start this one. I guess the beginning is always the best place...but even that is a fuzzy spot. I guess I will just start from chapel today. Wow. Even though I feel a little awkward when a woman preaches to a coed group, Kay Warren gave one of the best, if not THE best, chapels I've ever been to.
Now, let me rewind a little bit to last semester when I took a Global Studies class with Jeff Lewis. The class was recommended to me by Curtis. "If you are going to take one class at CBU it needs to be global studies with Jeff Lewis. It will change your outlook on life." And it did. Of course, I can't fit a whole semester worth of information into one blog entry but I will tell you that my view of God has changed. My view about what it means to be a Christian has changed. And my view on life has changed. I guess before the class I was just "going through the motions". Good kid, went to church, didn't do drugs, you get the idea. But did I really understand what it means to be a Christian and what our purpose is here on earth? Not so much. And I'm not saying I'm an expert now cause, uff da... I still have a ton to learn. But my eyes were opened more and are as wide as they have ever been.
I guess the biggest thing I got out of that class is that God's heart is for the nations. Everyone knows the passage "be still and know that I am God". But, usually, not many people, myself included, can say the second part of that verse. The full verse of Psalm 46:10 is "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" I don't know why but that just made a huge impact on my life. God's word declares that he will be exalted among the nations! Am I not His servant and disciple? Then wouldn't that be our responsibility (&honor!) to spread His word to those people? We talked a lot about what this could possibly mean. But when it all came down to it, everyone is called to missions. What? Yes. God SENT His son to save all of humanity from the horrid death we deserve. And He SENDS us now to spread this good news. Jeff encouraged and challenged us to read the book of John and highlight any form of the word 'send' and claimed that once we get to John 20:21 we will understand the full meaning that God sent Jesus and His intentions in doing it. The verse John 20:21 will blow you out of the water, my heart jumps every time I read "Again Jesus said, 'Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you'." AS. THE. FATHER. HAS SENT. ME. ... I. AM. SENDING. YOU. Jesus is sending us IN THE SAME WAY that God sent Him! Wow. That right there changed my life.
So there is the foundation of what this entry is about. Intense? Just wait.
Kay Warren, the wife of the Saddleback Pastor, Rick Warren, spoke at our chapel today about taking up our cross. Yes, everyone has heard a sermon or five about this but this one was different. In my experience with this topic, speakers would always say to just be a good kid, deny the fleshly pleasures of this world so we can take up our cross, which is wonderful, don't get me wrong. But today Kay Warren went just a little bit deeper than that. What really stuck out to me about the chapel was when she told us how eight years ago she was a nice lady, a really nice lady. A white, suburban mom, Pastor's wife, nice neighbor, etc. But one day she was reading a magazine and what she was about to read and see was going to drastically alter her life in ways she had never imagined. Images of horrified, sick, lonely african children who were orphaned due to their parents dying of aids. I can't recall the exact number, but MILLIONS of children are orphaned. MILLIONS. Children. On their own. Millions... Kay was so horrified by the pictures she tried to cover them so she could just read the article but it didn't help. She was in distress over what he was reading and seeing. "Why was I unaware of this situation?" She asked us. She told us she really wrestled with God over this for a solid month. It was killing her. She'd go to sleep thinking about them. She'd wake up thinking about them. The burden would not leave her but she was scared to surrender for fear of what God might do with her life. She couldn't take it anymore though. She has been an advocate for aids in Africa for eight years now and has seen God do miraculous things.
What I really took from this chapel was similar to this story. Ever since the Global Studies class, the people of God's nations has been heavy on my heart. On Sunday I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The mother was from Jamaica and in her honor they sent dozens of delivery trucks full of shoes for the children and everyone in Jamaica. For most it was their first pair. This brought me to tears. Some of these kids who live in rough terrains had gone twelve years with out shoes, maybe more. Twelve years without shoes. Twelve. This brought a lot of questions to my head.
Why are these kids just getting their first pair of shoes when I have had a countless number throughout my life? Why are these kids living in mud huts? Why am I so blessed to live in a house? Why am I so blessed to live in a house with a heater and air conditioner? And a shower. Beds. Kitchen. Why am I so blessed to have an education? And yet I complain about it? What is this? Why do I have so much food accessible to me? What did I do to deserve it? The answer? Nothing. I did absolutely, 100% nothing to receive every single possession I own. I did nothing. So then Why do I have it?
I often think similarly when it comes to health. I've never been majorly sick. I had strep throat once when I was 17. Big deal. I have no abnormal health conditions. I'm a healthy person. Why did God make me so healthy? It disturbs me that even though I am a nursing major, an eight year old with leukemia knows more about the hospital and their procedures and how it works far more than I do. And was it by their choosing? No. They had to learn. They experienced and went through it. Some survive. Some do not. Nonetheless, I cannot help but think that God gave me my health so that I may use it to help those who are not healthy to get well again. I can't help but think that God gave me my possessions and all my blessings so that I may give back to those who do not have them. But why do I know so little about what's going on in this world? I feel so blind. So ignorant. I am disgusted with myself that I am so unaware. I plan to change this soon. Very soon.
I know God has called me to share His Word and His love with His nations. But specifically, I feel His calling to help these people medically. I am healthy. I want to use my health to make them healthy. All for the glory of God.
I want to be burdened by what burdens God. I want my heart to break for what breaks His. Kay Warren described it as being gloriously ruined.
It's like the worship song by Hillsong says, "Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything for Your Kingdoms cause. As I go from nothing to Eternity."
This is my cry, my plea, I want to be broken for God's nations, I want to be disturbed, I want to be gloriously ruined...

Solo Dei Gloria.